You may not eat nice foods in this house
Spending Christmas with a health freak takes manipulation, undercover work and a whole lot of lying.
My mum is a complete and utter 'you will only eat what's good for you in this house' obsessive. Since a child I have had to endure wholemeal pasta, rice and bread. Fruit pies containing no sugar and live unsweetened natural yogurt. My frequently sourly twisted face has launched a thousand ships over the years I can tell you.
As you can imagine, Christmas is NOT a time of indulgence in my parent's house, unless of course, you are talking about the parsnip and carrot slices, of which you are free to eat until your skin turns orange. Cheaper than spray tan.
This is the time of year my father and I become sly, we talk in code and sneak around the kitchen after lights out, it is the only way to survive and this year reminded me of why I usually spend christmas with my brother.
Some ingenious ways in which I have managed to eat crap over the last week:
1. Announce that you have left your mobile phone charger at your flat and must retrieve it immediately, picking up mince pies, Christmas cake and chocolate from T@scos on your way over.
2. Spend 3 hours supposedly searching for your mobile phone charger whilst downing half a pound of Belgium chocolates.
3. Return to parents with stash in bottom of holdall, go to bed earlier than usual, using exaggerated yawning as a get out clause. Proceed to read your favourite book of the moment whilst consuming half your stash.
4. Wake up at 5.25am, realising those crawling ants that you were just dreaming about, are in fact the bits of marzipan you are sleeping with. Spend half an hour wetting finger, scraping up marzipan and popping it into you mouth.
5. When your mother dishes up fresh fruit salad on Boxing day, (who the hell does that?!), state you don’t like the tinned fruit juice and must take your bowl into the kitchen to drain the juice or else the lovely full on sour taste of the unripe fruit will be destroyed .
6. Drain juice and add 5 tablespoons of sugar to the fruit salad, making sure to stir until all traces of sugar has dissolved.
7. Visit your granddad more than you have in the last year because you know he has a whole rich fruit Christmas cake with at least 2 inches of kick ass icing on it in his larder.
8. If stash has run out, wait until mother has gone to bed and then sit up with dad until 2am stuffing your faces with sweets your dad picked up from the local village shop, all the while laughing at your outright cheek and naughtiness.
Why is it when you are forbidden something you want it all the more?
Just a quick note on the Asia disaster. When something of this magnitude happens it brings home just how bloody small my problems are. My heart goes out to all those that lost their lives, loved ones and all that they own.
Don't sweat the small stuff folks, life is indeed too dam short.
You may not eat nice foods in this house, although you can wear your new knickers on your head as so. 
