Life's Rich Tapestry: October 2005

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Almost Famous....

BOO!! Ha!

Just a quicky (shut up Phil), all is good, party was excellent, hoist still broken, parents in another country yey.

This talented individual has an article about blogging in this months glossy Essenti@ls mag, page 56, interviewed 3 people, one of them me, not enough room for all three, editor cut mine.

Keris = lovely, talented and funny.
Editor = Bastard/bitch and possibly just thought my bit was crap and he/she would probably be right. I still want to give him/her a highly painful wedgy though.

Well done Keris. Here's to seeing your name in print many times more and thank you for choosing me, it made all those years of being chosen last at school melt away.

I am off to see Pride and Prejudice in a bit, I am armed with a book and torch.

Period romance dramas = boooooring and puke worthy.

Good friends = worth doing something that makes you puke for.

The bit I am really going for is the visit to Pizza Hut afterwards, last time I created havoc by blocking the walkway with my chair, I relish the thought of doing it again just to prove a point. Heh.

Oh and if you have time, go and visit Pickle (Sunday's entry) and see how much of a match maker I am, no wonder I'm single for fucks sake!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Arse? Elbow?

Oh bugga, is it Tuesday already?

This has got to be the busiest week I've had since........... since the last busiest week I had.

Half way across the bloody world today, (I exaggerate you not!), for some wee man to take a look at my hoist and announce "Uh huh, tis ya motor that's packed up oooahhhh" and "Tis expensive business tha meee luvley, gonna be takin a fair while to sorrrrt ouwt". Translated from broad Somerset to...

You're fucked and gonna be without a hoist for flippin ages and when I do eventually fish my finger out of my arse it will cost you a blinding fortune.

So, there you go, welcome to the county that's backwards in coming forwards.

I am at the hospital tomorrow, fun, fun, fun. The rest of the week is spent running around like a blue arsed fly trying to find and buy specific items for mum's surprise party on Friday night, which includes a cake with her picture on it. Although I have not decided which picture to use, I have 5 that vary from the 'sweet and non embarrassing baby photo', to the 'stood on the beach, topless, snorkel and flippers wearer' glamour shot., The one I pick will very much depend how much she does, or does not piss me off by Friday afternoon.

I also have a problem with guest accommodation, a hotel has let me down and if I don't come across a solution soon, 4 of them will be spending the night in the village rec with the local cider swigging teenagers. Hostess with the bloody mostess.

You may or may not see me again this week, just bank on the fact that you won't, then if I do turn up it will be a lovely surprise. Mwhahaha, yeah I know, I'm a hoot.

Toodle pip xx

PS, I have just spell checked and realised the ridiculous amount of swearing in this entry, which is a direct symptom of my excitement/adrenaline/general flappiness. I'm not built to survive in the fast lane of life, obviously.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

"Help, help, my wheels, my wheels...."

So, Dr A Hole, as introduced to you in my previous post, was nowhere to be seen on Thursday. Instead I was presented with a sickly sweet kind and caring lady with an impeccable bedside manner, which, is lovely and all, but HELLO what do I do with all this bravado and attitude I have accumulated in preparation for my showdown?! Jeez, how inconsiderate of her.

But it's ok, there is a solution to rid myself of the angst, because the motor on my wheelchair hoist has broken, leaving me with a wheelchair that is now stuck in the boot of my car, which is kind of difficult because imagine if somebody chopped your legs off and hid them, huh? And it looks like it could be weeks until the 'hello I have two working legs and therefore have no sense or urgency' man can get another motor and send me on my way. It is also going to be VERY expensive, so expensive in fact that I had to make that shameful telephone call.......

Daaaaaaaaaddy....

Who immediately fixed it and settled my fears, because he is the best daddy in the world and yes, the sun does indeed shine out of his arse.

I will be trying to find a another wheelchair man, mostly because the current guy has a very strong Bristolian accent and I cannot understand the majority of what comes out of his mouth, but also because YOU ARE CRAP MISTER!

***

Not being able to go into to much detail, I shall just say, I am looking at hotel prices for the Christmas period.

I have come to the end of my tether with certain members of my immediate family, who just can't get on with one another and are constantly sounding off/manipulating/pressurising the one person in the family that gets on with everyone to gain another point in their 'oneupmanship'. I need to get out of this playground, I can no longer run around trying to keep relationships hanging on a thread. It's not my job to stop the shit hitting the fan which it's not my shit.

***

I must now go and prepare some entertainment for my niece whom I am in charge of for the next 24 hours. I have my stern 'don't mess with the mad auntie' look, bribe type sweets and St John's ambulance on standby. Heh.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Dr A.S.S Hole

Tomorrow morning I have a hospital appointment with Facial Surgeon Dr A.S.S Hole.

That would be the same A Hole that has only seen me on 3 separate occasions, but each time has successfully managed to be arrogant, condescending, egotistical and dam right fecking rude.

It would also be the same A Hole, that sarcastically informed me, that the drug I had found on the internet, that could possibly cut down the amount of times the lump in my neck swells up, HASN'T A HOPE IN HELL OF WORKING FOR YOU BECAUSE IT IS PRESCRIBED FOR A DIFFERENT CONDITION THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE YOU UTTERLY DESPICABLE STUPID WOMAN! (there were a lot of eyerolling sighs in there too, he likes to sigh eyerollingly).

I can't fucking wait, I can't fucking wait to tell him that my GP let me try this drug and it has cut down the face swelling episodes by 50%.

Infact, I am so looking forward to being shut in that wee office, just him and me, that I have told my mother, (the mother that couldn't come to the hospital the day I was told of my tumour, so I drove there and received the news alone and she has never forgiven herself and therefore has NEVER missed being with me at an appointment since), that I think it would be best if I go alone tomorrow.

I really wouldn't want to get blood on her pretty clothes.

* Disclaimer; I would like to make clear that my regular Orthopedic Consultant Mr M@dhaven is the sweetest, most caring and competent consultant I have seen in the last 6 years and that Dr A.S.S Hole's regrettable demeanor is in no way a reflection of Mr M@dhaven's work or my spinal care. You know, just incase he's reading or something and is contemplating subjecting me to more needles than is really necessary at next week's appointment. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I know I shouldn't...

You know that person that you fancy? The one you know you shouldn't? The one that has the word 'wrong' written all over them?

I can understand why I fancy this guy...

David Blaine

And it's pretty obvious to me why I can't get enough of this guy....

Chris Martin - Coldplay

and I can even justify fancying this guy....

Anthony Edwards - ER

But why oh why, in the name of god, do I currently have a fascination with this guy...

Trevor Eve

I recently bought the boxed set of Waking the Dead, not only because it is my favourite show, but primarily so that I can watch it day and night, to lust over someone who is old enough to be my father. I just can't figure it out.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Lazy lard arse

It's 2pm and I'm still in my stripy pj's, still drinking coffee and my hair is still unbrushed, I also might not have cleaned my teeth yet.

I have watched 2 dvd's, visited dozens of websites, pee'd a minimum of 12 times (due to coffee intake) and eaten 1 banana, 1 pitta bread with hummous, 1 packet of snack-a-jacks and yawned a bazillion times.

The chances of me getting any sleep with the banging and drilling going on in the flat next door? Minimal.

The chances of me getting off my arse and getting dressed today? Nil.

EDITED 8PM - you are going to need to sit down for this info.

I just got out the bath and.......... changed into a clean pair of pj's! I know, I know, autographs later.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Sir Duncan Colquhoun

I present the most adorable, lovable, huggable looking canine the world has ever known...

Sir Duncan Colquhoun

I have often been called a bitch, does that mean I qualify to marry him?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

No sympathy....... oh ok then.

Today's best thing about being in a wheelchair...

The vet winking and refusing payment because, "really, it only took a minute" and "things must be very hard for you".

Hey, don't judge me. I might dislike sympathy, but that doesn't mean I can't milk it every once in a while.

Shut up, you soo know you would too!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Missing Lieutenant

Took a trip to Lyme Regis on Sunday, the place made famous by Meryl Streep in The French Lieutenant's Woman.

Hung around for 4 hours, not one Lieutenant swept me off my feet, you see that's why I can't abide watching slushy movies, it's all a lie I tell you, all a lie!

I am aware this post is a cop out. Busy, busy Jilly has no time, not that she's complaining, heh.

Lyme Regis

MORE PHOTOS HERE.

Life's Rich Tapestry