Life's Rich Tapestry: January 2005

Sunday, January 30, 2005

My needs

Ok, this going to be the most honest and serious post I've done, it's not my normal style and it feels scary, but yet somehow I feel compelled to do it.

I am soo lonely right now. I have great friends and I have lovely parents, but it doesn't feel like enough.

I don't know exactly what the future holds for me, deterioration? Staying the same? Miracle recovery?

I know these are normal things to reflect on for someone in my situation, but reflecting alone is just so unbelievably painful.

When I'm scared of the future I want someone to hold me. I want to go to sleep next to someone, wake up next to someone. Someone who loves me despite my health issues. Someone to make the hard days a little less of a struggle.

My insides just feel crushed right now. I feel like a lost little girl in a huge forest waiting for someone full of love to come and rescue her. But everything tells her it's not going to happen. Resigned to her fate.

Treading this unsavoury path alone makes me ache inside. I just want some strong loving arms around me. I need to feel properly loved.

The trouble with becoming disabled is, you are still the person inside you where before, with needs, emotions, desires and dreams. To be honest, I never really had a problem getting or keeping a partner before the tumour, but now it's different, now it's harder. Just when I need it most.

I'm sorry for posting this, I always told myself I wouldn't do overly serious, but I guess this blog is about the real me and today, this is the real me.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Pink wigs and disappearing g strings

As previously mentioned, my new fleece sleeping bag, with hood, is seriously safe, secure and womb like and in the last couple of days I have spent quite a bit of time snuggled up like a snuggley ruggely thing. Mmm lovely.

Until, that is, it slips my mind that I am contained inside the snuggley rugness and I get up to go to the loo, forget the limb restriction, and fall flat on my face.

You know the scene in Bridget Jones? The one where she gets off the exercise bike and crumples to the floor? Yeah, that was me only with less grace.

I only just managed to contain my overwhelming fit of 'Bwwhahaha's' and inhale snorts long enough to ensure I didn't pee in it, which is a bloody good job, as a soggy snuggley rug just does not have the same appeal somehow.

So now, as a preventative measure and also because I am a truly bright soul, I have stuck a notice on my computer screen reminding me of the fact I am spending my time in a full bodied straight jacket.

Yeah, like that'll work, no shit Sherlock.

I would like to say I've been busy this week, taking on tasks that matter to the world. Baking the worlds largest Victoria sponge or knitting fingerless gloves for the Balearics weight lifting team, but alas, the days have consisted of practically bugger all.

I did go and see the movie 'Closer' and briefly toyed with the idea of becoming a lap dancer, I could really go for the Natalie Portman powder pink wig. I would, of course, give the ivory lingerie set a miss, my arse being akin to the Bermuda triangle, a g-string would slowly fade into oblivion, spending the rest of its satin days dancing cheek to cheek as it were. But the fantasy is good enough. We all have to have those right? But just maybe, you know, doing some exciting living inbetween would be preferable. Humph.

This weekend I shall be playing the part of psychologist to a friend who has fallen off her rocker slightly. It is my job to get her back in the saddle and cease the goo goo'ing and ga ga'ing before she slips beyond repair. She is one of the ones you never, in your wildest dreams, could imagine losing their shit. It just goes to show that everyone's shit gets lost once in a while.

PS, anyone seen my tv remote control? No? Fecking lot of good you are!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

My brain's on a mini break

Today, I have mainly been....................

..hibernating in my new, Klenex fleece sleeping bag, with hood.

Also, how can I spend 3 hours surfing for free blog templates and fail to find one that I like?

Also, also, my mum is a drunk, especially when she rings me in the middle of the night, after a party slurring, "I just came down the yellow brick road".

Ding dong the witch is pissed........

Also, also, also, I have nothing else to say because my brain is taking a mini break from my body. Weston-Super-Mare caravan park I believe.

Peace

Friday, January 21, 2005

Dear Left Leg

Dear Left Leg,

It has come to my attention, that you appear to have overlooked some important information regarding your chosen position within Jilly's body.

That information, as far as I understood it, is that you have paralysis.

Would you therefore please refrain from jumping off the mattress, of your own accord, each time Jilly is about to fall asleep.

Spasms at unsociable hours will not be tolerated.

It is, at this time, 3.50am. You are therefore currently in breach of Jilly's body rules.

Failure to cease this behaviour immediately, will result in an official complaint to the PBAB (Punishment by Amputation Board).

I sincerely hope we can settle this matter without further action being taken.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,
The Rest of Jilly's Body

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I'm too sexy...

I'm too sexy for my new contact lenses.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Hip and Shit

Whoa, big response, cheers for the support all, it's very much appreciated.

I guess the guy picked the wrong week to mess. Bad week, bad news, bad ass Jilly, heh.

So, let's move on to calmer matters.

I have spent an obscene amount of money on cd's this week.

I don't know if I'm going through an early mid-life crisis, but I suddenly feel the need to know every word, of every song, on every 'mint' album that's out at the moment. It's as if my life depends on it, kind of like the TV show, 'Name that tune in 5 or get electrocuted'..........What? No such show? Dam well should be.

Because I'm so anal, I will only listen to them in the order that they were bought and one must run completely through before I can play the next. I have control and order problems, obviously. Well, you know, until it comes to things like spending money I don't have, or say coffee consumption, we can't all be perfect eh.

So, I now think I'm all hip and shit. I can sing you any Franz Ferdinand, Scissor Sisters, Maroon 5 or Killers tracks and I have at least 5 more albums I want need to buy and to be perfectly honest, I'm not 100% sure what type of music some of them are, I just feel compelled to have them, because it's what all the cool kids are talking about. What the hell is that all about?

On a completely different matter, my mum is a member of the WI, you know, just like 'Calendar Girls' only with considerably bigger buns.

Another WI member contacted her, (knowing she likes to tinkle the ivories a little) and asked her to play the WI anthem, Jerusalem, at some random get together, (probably the plum jam making challenge of 2005 or such like).

So, yesterday she rang and asked me to listen to her rendition, down the phone.

Good god people, she will give half the WI members a stroke with that noise. I lost count of the number of bum notes and pauses where pauses shouldn't have been. But, what really cracked me up, was that every time she hit a clanger, I could hear her shouting, "that was a wrong note by the way". Noooo, you don't say mother.

I was very diplomatic of course, lied through my teeth in fact. I had no choice. She would have practised and then rung again for a repeat performance. Feck that, I've been weepy enough over the last few days, thank you very much.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a fairly new acquaintance in the cafe, her name is Fenella.

Fenella talks like the queen, I need to take a common person's translator with me.

Fenella has multiple plums in her mouth, I hope she takes them all out before trying to drink her coffee.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Dear Jon

Dear Jon

Thank you for the sarcastic comment you left on my last entry, (which has now been deleted because it didn't deserve the space).

If you had been man enough to provide your blog or email addy, I would have sent you the following from the Cambridge dictionary;

Definition: learnt [Show phonetics] verb learned or UK ALSO learnt, learned or UK ALSO learnt

I am British you piece of chicken shit.

Check your facts before trying to be a cocky smart arse.

You obviously don't have enough to worry about. Feck off and get a life.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Donating is hard.

A list of things I've learnt this week;

1. Donating clothes you bought but never wore and know you never will, is more difficult than you imagined.

2. Little old ladies that volunteer in charity shops get snappy when you hand the bag over, but have gut wrenching difficulty in prising your fingers from the handles.

3. Some opticians have smelly breath.

4. Spiders can get out of the Hoover and laugh in your face.

5. It only takes, one bottle of Mr Mvscle, 2 large bottles of vinegar and 1 whole litre of d0mestos to unblock a drain.

6. When employing someone to do your ironing, it is advisable not to choose a lady with dodgy eyesight, who obviously thinks wearing a lettuce leaf is attractive.

7. Clearing out your cupboard shelves at 2am will piss your neighbours off.

8. If you pull away in your car, without having put the lid on the frappacino, you will get wet.

9. However sweet you think old people are, your opinion will change once they get behind the wheel and drive 20miles, at a third of the speed limit, making you late for your optician appointment.

Screen Freeze

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Bummer, my bath's blocked

So, doing a runner from the coffeehouse is soo last year.

Ladies and gentlemen, todays mountain made out of a mole hill is........I have a stoned bathtub.

The bath would like me to emphasis, that it can not possibly be held responsible for its current state as its drain was spiked.

I don't make a habit of spiking drains, toilet bowls or any other innocent, attractive, plumbed appliance, but last night I decided to get rid of some old, out of date, morphine tablets, so, I kind of put them down the plug hole. Which is totally not clever and demonstrates quite clearly why I am blonde.

Thinking they would dissolve pretty quickly, I tipped a kettle of boiling water down after them, but all that succeeded in doing, was turn the pills into a solid mush ball, that has blocked the pipe. Clever aren't I?

I have deposited half a bottle of Domestos down there so far today and a cupful of water is taking 6 hours to drain instead of 12 now. I'm getting there. Rome wasn't built in a day.

This morning I had to have, to my horror.................... A strip wash.

The last time I had a strip wash was when I was about 10, I've always hated them. I'm sorry, it doesm't matter what people say you never get totally clean and your arse freezes off in the process. I can confidently report, that nothing has changed in that department and I won't even begin to go into the process of washing your hair, under the kitchen taps when you are 5'9" tall.

Last night whilst pouring boiling hot water into the bath, I am sure I inhaled a little to much steam from the plug hole, as 10 minutes later, I could feel myself slipping away with the fairies a wee bit, which led me to become increasingly concerned about how my irresponsible behaviour may have affected the sewer critters.

I had visions that under my house there were rats riding the sewer pipes on individual squares of toilet paper, casually propped up by their elbows, occasionally peering over the top of their shades slurring "wow man, this is some good shit", whilst a couple of their posse float past blowing the whistles around their necks, waving Day-Glo batons in time to banging rave tunes.

I suppose you could call me 'The Ratarsed Supplier'. BAH!!!

Sorry, incredibly bad, bad joke, I'm probably still stoned, or something.

Oh look, a bath bottom lined with a class A drug, what fun!

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Criminal Confession

Today I committed a terrible crime and I don't know if I can live with myself.

Maybe I should drive down the local police station and hand myself in, before I am outted on the 10 o'clock news.

I'm a bunny trapped in headlights and am inevitably going to be squished. By a ten ton lorry. Driving pitifully slowly, because that, of course, would be fair more painful and agonising.

I need to confess myself before I am driven to a salivating, eye-rolling, nutcase and this is the place to do it, where my anonymity is of the highest order.

I left a coffeehouse without paying.

I know, I know, please don't look at me like that, can't you see how I'm suffering already without those disapproving eyes you're giving me.......it was a mistake....an honest, innocent mistake, I didn't realise until I got home.

I know the decent thing to do is go back to the coffee house and pay, but it's too far away and I don't know if I could find it again. The only other person who knows its exact location is a friend and that friend has put years of trust into me.

I can not possibly confess to her that whilst she was having a wee and I was supposed to be paying, that I in fact DID NOT pay and when she came out of the toilet and saw me picking hairs off my scarf, she automatically presumed I had already paid, when in fact I had been engrossed with hair picking the whole time.

But..(and isn't there always one of those)....we did only have 2 coffees, which can't have amounted to more than the grand total of about £2, which is only half the amount I put into the Tsunami Fund box in the Co-op. So that makes it ok, right?

I mean the coffeehouse was all posh and stuff, meaning the owner was doing pretty well. The toilet paper wasn't that non-absorbent slippery kind, you know, the cheap crap we had to endure at school. Oh no, it was And@rx soft and the basin had antibacterial lemon liquid soap. There was pot pourri next to the basin and framed Monet prints on the walls. Does that sound like the toilet of a struggling, about to go into liquidation coffee establishment to you? No, exactly.

Besides, if he had been on his toes he would have followed me out of the door slandering my theifness to all and sundry wouldn't he? But he didn't. Because he has, in fact, got too much money for his own good and couldn't be arsed.....probably.

However I try to justify it, I still feel like crap, I'm sure god will make me pay in some form or another. I can only hope the policemen on duty at the cells tonight like a good home made flapjack, for I may have to resort to bribery of the dirtiest kind.

On another note, I bet I wasn't the only woman on the earth, who pee'd her pants today, on hearing this guy is now without wife...........

"I say Brad, you don't hang around. Tar very much luv"

Thursday, January 06, 2005

I'm Flinging

A flung together entry today, for I have been peering into the world that is HTML. I've done the 'About' page and I can link too.....look.....look!

My late christmas present came today.

Judging by the testimonials, I shall be running my first marathon in the morning, if I can remember where my legs are that is.

It's currently on charge for 24 hrs, rather like myself after the last couple of days.

I've just spent 2 days in Salisbury for my oldest friend Claire, the mother of my 2 god daughters. It was hell.

I was forced to drink, smoke and eat until I felt I couldn't possibly take anymore fun. At which point I broke down and begged for mercy in the form of a coffee.

A fight started in the curry house between 2 lads (what a surprise), from a large group of about 20. It didn't last long, Claire marched over and exclaimed very loudly that ,'It was her party and she will command you to stop if she wants to'. It worked, the rest of the party guided the fighters outside and left them too it and then sang Happy Birthday to Claire, very loudly and just oh so slightly slurred and out of sync. The only way for it to be sung in my opinion.

Oh and also, I was informed that an acquaintance in Salisbury would very much like to get to know me better, but is apparently a wee bit shy about telling me. That kind of took the wind out of me, you don't hear many blokes saying "Corr, look at the wheels on that".

Monday, January 03, 2005

Wheelchair Advantages

Reasons why using a wheelchair has benefits:

1. At the movies, whilst watching 'Phantom of the Opera', you can turn around, with your back to the screen, because it's just too painful to bear.

2. When the people you are with find this hilarious and snigger a little too loudly, thus annoying the people in front of you, it's not you that will get the dirty looks.

3. You can park in wide spaces which avoids your car doors getting bashed by some ignorant fool and allows more room if you happen to be a crap parker.

4. When someone cuts you up, hence pissing you off, you can take chase and slice the skin off the back of their ankles.

5. When spotting a sexy male walking towards you:

Step 1; drop small possession on floor
Step 2; reverse 10 feet.
Step 3; wait until said sexy male has passed dropped possession
Step 4; politely ask sexy male to help poor invalid self and kindly pick up possession.
Step 5; gawp as sexy male turns around and bends over. Bingo!

6. Never have to be number 94 in the ladies loo queue, just breeze on past the line to the disabled toilets, imitating *that*running water sound very loudly.

7. Imitate the wheelchair sketch from 'Little Britain' when out with friends.

8. It doesn't matter if all the seats in the pub are taken.

9. You can be drunk whilst driving.

10. When you spot a cobbled path, you smile broadly!

They told me granary bread is healthy, so why am I now missing half a tooth? And more to the point, where the hell did that piece of tooth go?!

Wheelchair Advantages

Saturday, January 01, 2005

The Runaway

So, after agonising over my decision to stay in alone on New Years Eve, I decided at 11.15, that very night, that actually no, I don't want to do this. I don't want to REALLY, PROPERLY, ACTUALLY, lead the life of a lonely spinster, even though, it is soo bloody obvious, that that is exactly what I am, only minus the 12 cats of course, which to be perfectly honest is only because I have a hair phobia and not because I don't actually want 12 cats, because I soo would!

I was invited to a party, but I wasn't informed until 5pm and by that time I was already sat curled up, in pj's, with cocoa, fluffy slippers and the thought of finding something to wear that actually fits after 124,978 mince pies in 7 days was too much to bear, so I graciously lied declined the offer.

Oh, that and the party consisted of only couples and my large, round, green, hairy suit is still in the dry cleaners. Humph.

So, as I was saying, at 11.15 after getting an ear bashing from an older and wiser msn buddy, I realised that New Years Eve just was notthe time to be alone, because quite frankly, you just don't know what will happen in the next year. Starbucks may go bust in November, Brad Pitt may wake up ugly in the middle of March, Tim Henman might win Wimbledon in August. (Shut up. He will do it one day I tell you!)

I decided I should be with my parents at midnight. I grabbed my fresh cup of coffee and drove the 2 miles to my parent's home. They were incredibly pleased to see me and found it highly amusing that I turned up in tartan pyjamas, (quite fitting for Ale Lang Syne I thought).

We drank, sang, danced and heckled the neighbours out on the street until we were all happied out.

I'm so very glad I went, but not so very glad I witnessed a teenager, puking on his dog, in the middle of the road, whilst driving home.

* * * * *

My brother and his family came over on Thursday to exchange presents. I had bought my sister-in-law a book about autopsies. Yes, she is sick and weird.

I bought the book because I knew it would delight her and not at all because we share the same sick fascinations and I want to borrow it.

We absolutely do not surf crime, murder and forensic evidence websites when we get together, neither do we like to look at real photos of murder scenes and play detectives. No, not us.

My parents gave my 7-year-old niece a Barbie suitcase to take to Disney World next year. Her reaction...

"Oh look, look mum, wow, this is so cool, now I can really run away!".

When will they learn that the streets of London are not paved with gold? Tusk.

Tomorrow I am being tortured into seeing the movie, 'Phantom of the Opera', please pray for me. Thank you.

The Runaway

Life's Rich Tapestry

My needs

Pink wigs and disappearing g strings

My brain's on a mini break

Dear Left Leg

I'm too sexy...

Hip and Shit

Dear Jon

Donating is hard.

Bummer, my bath's blocked

Criminal Confession

I'm Flinging

Wheelchair Advantages

The Runaway

Personal

Links

Archives