Life's Rich Tapestry: March 2007

Friday, March 30, 2007

"It's like the trip switch goes off in my head"

I am expecting this entry to be a challenge, I can't wake up fully right now. Every once in a while I kind of go on shut down, I have no idea if it's to do with the medication building up in my system, or just the fact that I have been doing more than I should, but roughly once a month I go through a few days where I can not stay awake and I mean literally, as in falling asleep on the toilet, starting to dream whilst sat reading, not physically being able to hold my head up and severe sweats, kind of like a very mild form of Narcolepsy I guess, I don't know how else to describe it.

So anyway, yesterday and today have been a haze of sleep, dreams, sweats, chills and drool, lots and lots of drool. I don't try to be something I'm not, it ain't pretty, believe me. During my brief waking hours, I have felt compelled to buy stuff. This maybe part of the mind altering state I am in, or just a fucking good excuse, who knows and quite frankly, who gives a shit.

Here are the items purchased online within the last 48 hours;

Funny space shoes, but who cares, for they are RED!

More shoes. More RED!

Another house. For the guinea pig. Because everybody wants three houses.

Timothy hay. Imported from Canada, because it sounded more exotic. Only cost one arm and half a leg. They had 25% off. Bwhahahaha!

Hay. In CUBES! Noo, no, you don't understand, it's not the same as normal hay but vastly overpriced because of it's shape. Genius doesn't come cheap you know. Hay. In CUBES! Squeee!

Petrus dish, Fantan Dent de Lion, rodent style.

A tunnel, that extends and could possible reach France.

These trousers, in chocolate, because hell I never go anywhere to wear such an item and that's a good enough reason for me.

Have a wide awake weekend.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I wanna be the one that stops time, I wouldn't have burnt the toast this morning.

Hello my lovelies

I am about to go to bed and watch more episodes of Heroes online. Addicted? Much. Illegal? Much.

Overwhelmingly non exciting things that have occurred since Friday;

Frozen bank account, hence no dosh.
(see also; smackaroonies, notes, bread, lolly, greens, shrapnel, readies, spondoolicks, quid)

Loss of half a tooth whilst flossing.
(flossing is bad, dentists lie).

Repeat dialing of dentists number, rapidly followed by chickening out and hanging up.
(I'm enjoying sticking my tongue in the hole far too much).

Lots of loud shouty talk in newly unshared entrance hall just for the sheer hell of it.
(also may have been opera singing).

Unfrozen bank account. Arrival of new credit card.
(guess who's hitting the high street tomorrow).

Fall in kitchen resulting in nicely bruised foot of working leg.
(actually it may be broken, who knows, I won't go to the hospital until gangrene sets in).

Accompanied friend too 3 test drives, one of which being a sports car.
(wore shades in the rain a la Thelma and Louise).

Theatre trip to see Tony Stockwell
(too many Bacardi and cokes.... well only 2, but that's all it takes, also, why are all the gay ones shaggable? Not. Fair).

So there you have it, yeah I know, if I wasn't me I'd desperately want to be me too.

I really must go, I have credit card rubber to burn in the morning.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Polska Pincher

About an hour ago I checked my bank statement.

Apparently I have purchased a few items in Poland over the last couple of weeks, which is news to me, seen as though I've been in wet and miserable England the whole time. It seems that some bastard is spending my money. Apparently I can claim the money back, which has eased my dramatic wailing slightly. But nevertheless, I have a horrible feeling of being violated, it's surprisingly scary.

I can't do anything about it until I go into my local branch in the morning, it appears the fraud department only recognises crime between the hours of 9am to 6pm, which doesn't bode well for a good nights sleep tonight.

I don't wish to moan, really, but why can't my life be fucking boring, it really has been laughable so far this year, if I wanted to be in a soap opera I would have gone to RADA, jeeez.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

"Darling, the drains appear to be blocked"

A friend's husband is running a marathon for Cancer Research next month. On Monday evening our usual group of girls met up at that particular couple's house and whilst slurping our 8th cup of coffee, the hostess asked if we would mind sponsoring him.

Now I don't mind sponsoring most people, it's something I'm mostly willing to do, but in situations like this, things can sometimes get rather awkward. Instead of each friend quietly filling in the form and passing it along, friend #1 decided to announce her given amount, followed swiftly by friend#2, #3, #4 and #5.

"Oh he's trained SO hard, I think £1 a mile at least"
"Oh definitely, it's such a worthy cause"
"Yeah, £26 is nothing really, not when you consider the statistics"
"and it's so good of him to take up the challenge"
"Oh yes, you've got to support him haven't you"

Hmmmm, let's see..

Friend #1 - Holistic clinic and public house owner
Friend #2 - Full time hairdresser with computer programmer husband
Friend #3 - Public house and restaurant owner
Friend #4 - Directors PA
Friend #5 - Joint owner of holistic clinic with Friend #1, self employed builder husband.
Jilly - Benefit, periodically selling crap on eBay, odd babysitting jobs

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

I can't afford £26, I sponsored him £5, is it wrong to hope he gets dilapidating cramp at the 5 mile mark?

************

The flat next door is up for sale...

..mwwhaha, mwwhahaha, mmwwwhahahahahaha!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Slackjawed Yokel

I can not get my head round the fact that it is evening time already, I feel like I dragged myself out of bed only a couple of hours ago, time, you need to slow down.

I've had the most delightfully peaceful weekend for the first time since forever. The flat next door stands silent and still, it's heaven I tell you, pure heaven.

I took my parents out for Sunday lunch this weekend, we had a wonderfully civilized time, apart from the part where my extra long beaded necklace dunked into my gravy without my knowledge and proceeded to flick beefy goodness all over my shirt, skirt and the table cloth, until I finally noticed and spent the next few minutes sucking the beads clean gormlessly. Pure class me.

*Dad's look of despair*

"Would I be right in guessing that what's running through you head right now is.... where did we go wrong?"

*sighs and nods*

I'm such a bloody letdown.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Mr Jingles was robbed (no mouse oscar!)

After yesterdays initially enthusiastic post, which I edited later on last night in order to inform you that indeed the eagle had not landed, but had simply moved it's nest, (I have no idea why I'm talking cryptically, apart from the fact that I don't like to make things easy for those that missed the last episode. Some of us don't have an income that would cover a ".... last week, on Jilly's blog" voice over guy), I report that the situation is somewhat still confused, or quite simply put, I have no fucking clue what's going on through the wall.

Around 10pm, her Slobess vacated the premises, which as always, gives the go ahead for The Slob to invite Marshell, 50 cent and Dr Dre over for tea and crumpets. After 3 hours of the bathroom cabinet convulsing, I knew I had to get the hell out or I would highly likely find myself banged up for life, (or appearing in one of those dreadful Halifax ads which would be immeasurably worse). So, at 1am I took a 50 mile round trip to Tescos Extra, picked up some shopping and possibly listened to a ton of Cd's in the 'play and listen' booth and arrived back home for 3am, at which time all was quiet.

I guess I thought they would finish moving out today, but now I'm not sure if they are moving out at all. Most of the furniture has gone, since last night, Slobess and the baby have gone, but The Slob himself appears to be reluctant to leave. Maybe he isn't leaving? Maybe it's only her that's leaving? They have been arguing a hell of a lot lately, have not been together all that long and I have always suspected that she had a tiny shred of common sense about her, maybe the roses cleared and she realised what a fucking arsehole he is.

So, situation remains unanswered. He has sat in a solitary chair all day with his music louder than a tyrannosaur's fart, which has in turn sent me bat shit crazy. Mums says I'm panicking unnecessarily and that if they move at a pace accustomed to their thought process they might just be gone by the end of the month. All I will say is that if he is staying permanently, can I count on you to send me some decent English tea bags whilst I'm finding God on Texas Death Row?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

You couldn't wipe the smile off of my face if you tried.

The neighbours from hell are moving out RIGHT THIS FRIGGIN MINUTE..

*cough cough*

"There's a party goin' on right here
A celebration to last throughout the years
So bring your good times, and your laughter too
We're gonna celebrate your party with you
Come on now... ceeeelebration
Let's all celebrate and have a good time
Ceeeeelebration
We gonna celebrate and have a good time...

Sing it with me people....

Ceeeeeeelebrate good times, COME ON
Ceeeeeeelebrate good times, COME ON"

Edited at 7.50pm... *Needle on record type screech*

They are still here. The furniture has gone, yet they are still here, whyyyy*sob*yyyy?!

And no they are not cleaning, if I can hear their microwave ping then I could hear their hoover damn it. What is happening? When will they cease the torment? How long until I can finally relax? Is it safe to sleep tonight? Are they lifting the floorboards to make a perfect space for my body? Ooh the unknown, it is killing me, KILLING ME!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Interview with a Poltergeist

I made the all too often but fatal mistake of watching one of those paranormal documentaries that scare the crap out of you for days. This one documented the possession of a 11 year old girl, in the 70's, by an old codger named Bill who apparently died in the bed the girl was now sleeping in.

It showed footage of her being flung around her room like a rag doll, once ending up crouched atop a tall chest slurring obscenities at the camera. I managed to keep belief at bay, convincing myself that the girl was a self taught '90 year old gruff voice' imitator looking for some attention, UNTIL, the investigator filled the girl's mouth with water, taped over her lips and asked 'Bill' to 'talk', to which the deepest, raspiest voice replied........

"Fuck off and leave me alone!", which was when my teeth ran out of nail and chomped into a cuticle.

I'm still working on ridding those scenes from my head, but the sound of that voice is as prevalent as ever, so much so, that every time the guinea pig hops onto my lap I keep expecting her to look up, belch and growl..

"For the love of god woman, stop with the fibre"

Friday, March 02, 2007

"Penis Puppertry Matinee, Roll Up, Roll Up"

I have a penis. Obviously I don't mean I actually have a penis, I mean I've acquired a penis, not in some bizarre medical experiment kind of way either.

What I mean is, I have an imaginary penis, pickled in an imaginary pickle jar. It was the non ripped off functioning penis of a van driver who shouted at me for parking outside the chemist on double yellows. It is no longer non ripped off and therefore no longer functioning. I hope he already has kids, because if not, then he's screwed............. well not literally because his penis is right here in a pickl........ yeah, moving along.

I park right outside the chemist because...

1. The pavement is too narrow for a wheelchair.
2. Available parking is too far away for me to walk with crutches.
3. It causes chaos, blocks all the traffic, thus drawing lots of attention to me me ME!

So penisless van driver, you are not the first and will not be the last bloke who will forever remember my encounter with your loins, no sirree, get in the queue minge boy.

My knee is knackered, the opiates are flowing at a high volume, therefore my weekend will be spent in a stumbling haze, just like my younger days, kind of, in a round about way......... or maybe not.

Pickled Gherkins anyone? No? Have a smashing weekend all the same.

Life's Rich Tapestry