We arrived at the meeting last week having decided to bring Dad home. We joined the OT, Physio, Social Worker, Consultant, Sister of the Ward and 2 of Dad's frequent nurses an hour after they had started.
We were told that Dad had been assessed in the meeting as needing 24 hr/2 man care and in their opinion, taking him home, even with the biggest care package of 3 carers a day, fell far short of his and our support needs.
If he had a couple of weeks to live then more care would be available, but in their opinion (not that that counts for much, they're never got it right before), Dad still has some time, not much time, but not just a matter of a few weeks either.
The option they came up with, which seems to be the only other option available at this stage, is to put Dad in a local nursing home and hope he has days where he is well enough to come home for a few hours and when he is not, we are closer to spend the day with him. I was horrified and still am. We are in between a rock and a hard place.
Dad's reaction to this has been heartbreaking. Not so much the idea of going into a home we have come to understand, (although to say he is happy about it isn't true either), but more the fact that Dad has absolutely no clue how ill he has gotten and in order for him to understand the position we find ourselves in, the nurses sat him down and gently reminded him all they had done for him in the last 24 hours. He is just simply devastated, scared, depressed and fearful.
Of course the final decision was not up to me, it was up to Mum. Knowing that we couldn't cope with him alone, she reluctantly and tearfully agreed to the nursing home option. We were not there when the team told Dad, they felt it best that he not get the feeling that we were all ganging up on him, or that the nursing home was mums idea, which is probably what he would have thought, he is at a place where he blames her for medical decisions that he doesn't like, but that are necessary.
I will never forget the moment we walked into the room after he had been told. He was crying into his hands, then he looked up at me and just said "Jilly" in the most desperate voice. I said "Daddy" and just held him and kissed his head crying with him for the longest time. I can still feel the raw pain in my chest a week later.
Since that day his mood has plummeted lower than before. He cries multiple times a day (the first time I saw him really cry was at Grandads funeral) and has stopped trying to drink. I was pretty sure he would now 'give in' to the cancer, but no, he still said at the end of that meeting that he WILL fight it, he wants to carry on fighting it. A while ago I would have been so happy at that, but now it just seems he is causing himself extra heartache and pain.
Today we looked at nursing homes and were only really happy with one. The one unfortunately, that Grandad died in a month ago. How odd it felt to be back there looking for a place for the next generation to end their days. The atmosphere is excellent, the staff are professional and the rooms are modern but homely. The only worry is that they are not happy to keep administering IV fluids there, which means, if Dad continues not to drink enough, he is going to end up in and out of hospital constantly. This is something I desperately didn't want, not for him or for us to have to deal with, but as I'm learning, there is no other way along this journey than right through the deepest shit imaginable, going around the edges is only for fairy tales.
There are no nursing rooms available at the moment, but I am not to worried about that, he is not ready to be discharged from the hospital yet, and by the time he is, I am sure one will be available.
Although I support my mums decision, I am far from comfortable with it. I don't think it would be the option I would have chosen, but saying that, I'm maybe not being realistic, I just know that my heart is screaming louder than my head and it's very difficult to ignore. I'm just very confused right now. I have such mixed feelings on the whole matter. It just doesn't sit right we me, but is it ever supposed too? Probably not.
