Life's Rich Tapestry: March 2005

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The closest I'll ever come to divorce......probably.

Well shave my head and call me Moby, fucking Blogger co-operates at last!

I hope you all had a good Easter and didn't eat too much chocolate. I myself didn't get any, not that I'm complaining, slender line Jilly and all that. I did however, get an alternative present today.

I spend the weekend in bed and I was not alone. Has her luck finally changed you ask? Well no, not exactly. I shared my space with 2 erections poking me in the ribs.

Now, I did have good reason to spend that amount of hours in a horizontal position, my back was throwing its toys out of the pram and sometimes I just have to give in to the tantrums, just to keep the peace.

However, canoodling under the covers with foreign objects wasn't as much fun as I remembered. Typical.

The erections in question were in fact springs from my ancient mattress, (yeah, I wish I had been going in the other direction too, but hey, that IS the story of my life, har de har). This quite obviously was not going to help rectify the buggering up of my back, so something had to be done.

Spare a thought please, for today we divorced and it wasn't as painful as some, I really didn't have to think twice, no regrets at all. Why falter when you are given the opportunity to trade a worn out old far for a newer model that can keep up with your demands.

Hell, who wants an old rancid burger when there’s a free prime steak on offer?!

Sleep well, because I know I will. Tomorrow I must find that conscience of mine.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Pay attention woman!

I really need to start paying attention, for example;

I buy a couple of glossy mags each week, because it makes me feel all chic and professional. Especially when imagining I'm flicking through them whilst on the London Underground, on my way to a Law Firm, in which I have a high powered job, with a personal office and one of those executive desk tidy thingys, complete with electric pencil sharperner....

*Fantasy to be filed under, 'type of life I SHOULD have had' and get me a latte, biatch.*

So yesterday, after studying the cover of the mags before buying, I nipped home, all excited about reading my mags whilst sipping a cappucino. 10 minutes into studying celebrities cellulite and after an article entitled, 'Guess who's the rudest celebrity ever', I started to experience a deja vu.

I glanced over to the coffee table and spotted the exact same magazine issues, which I must have purchased and read only days ago. How the feck did I manage that? Isn't it only goldfish that have a 3 second memory? I mean I know I gawp a lot, but pissing hell, that's just scary. Freak.

It has been said that these mags are a luxury I can't afford. No feckin way. They are an absolute necessity. A girl has got to have some back up trash gossip, just incase the local farmer skips a week from shagging another underage pissed teen on the bonnet of his Land Rover, in the Half Way Inn car park. Yep, that really is a local pub, fitting isn't it, bwhahaha!

I don't have many vices in life, but trashy mags are and always will be one of them.

Also, whilst in the shop, I dived into the fresh flower counter on seeing one of the nurses who worked in the spinal unit I was in for 3 months. The woman dealt with my erm ..........personal hygiene and I just know that even after all this time, if she were to see me, it wouldn't be my face that initially sprung to her mind.

Dignity - once lost, hard to regain.
When regained - never letting the bugger go again.

Ya liker ma mug?

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Bad, bad Jilly

I know, I know, bad, bad Jilly.

My profuse apologies for going AWOL, but I have a good excuse, no really, I do, don't look at me like that!

3 Weeks and 2 lots of antibiotics later and I'm feeling human again, so, of course, lost time and antics have to be made up, before I die of boredom.

The trouble is, when you have been out of action for so long, friends start to get narky, they want to meet up, go out, catch up with gossip and of course, how can I not oblige?

So far, in the last 3 days of feeling better, I have;

Turned an arranged 1 hour, lunch time coffee meeting into a 3 hour, propping up the bar, piss up brawl.

Been so drunk someone had to put me to bed at 3pm.

Spent 4 hours clothes shopping.

Helped a friend spend £200.

But only spend £3 of my own money on a scarf.

Watched a late night programme entitled 'Real Ghosts caught on film'.

Had one practically sleepless night.

Spend between 5-6 hours on the phone gossiping.

Smoked 100's and 100's of cigarettes.

Hence, had a mouth like the bottom of a budgie cage.

Spend 72 hours restraining myself from buying chocolate.

And totally suceeding! Go me!

So, as you would expect, today I am knackered. It's midday and I'm still in my pj's, over do it? me?

I have a friend who tours with a theatre company and tonight, in a nearby town, I am going to watch her in a comedy play of............

Jurassic Park

God knows, it should be interesting to say the least.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Don't hold your breath

Well, I got my freeveiw box yesterday and am now all digital and completely think I am the shitster, I mean I'm only a few light years away from up to date technology now. Every little step helps right?

Does anyone else do what I did yesterday?

You know the thing, when you have been keeling over with a bug for days and then start to feel slightly more human again and go into overdrive?
Like the world's going to destruct in 24 hours and you have soo much shopping, socialising and cigarettes to smoke to make up for lost time, only to wake up the following day, feeling, quite frankly, like shyte?

No? Bugger.

So, as my life is dead dull at the moment, (see yesterdays post for gods sake, written proof!) and my posts lately have been skanky dog breath, Go HERE instead for a wee e-bay ditty and I promise I'll be back hilariously funny, charming and ooh so entertaining tomorrow....or the next day......(you're going blue, STOP HOLDING THE BREATH!)

Oh and all you lovely americans? What the hell is Hump Day? Sounds so dam dirty!

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T LET A CHILD REMOVE THE MILKSHAKE LID

Life's Rich Tapestry

The closest I'll ever come to divorce......probably.

Pay attention woman!

Bad, bad Jilly

Don't hold your breath

Personal

Links

Archives