Life's Rich Tapestry: September 2008

I got back from the parent's place on Tuesday night after a stupendous few days alone with Dad. Things went much better this time around, I felt more at ease with all the important medical tasks, like I wasn't going to somehow accidentally give him a massive morphine overdose, or pick the wrong size surgical stockings for the size of his limbs that day resulting in his legs falling off, or impale his eyeball with a gel applicator.

However, I seem to have lost the ability to fall any further than the 'light dozing' first stage of sleep since coming home. Nights are full of far away voices and hazy faces until I fall of a curb and jerk awake only to repeat it all again. I quite know what that's all about, but I do know that you can pick up some real bargins on eBay at 4am!

Things have been pretty mundane around here, or should I say 'were' mundane until yesterday when I came face to face with Nicholas Cage, which was a shock, I mean a Hollywood star in a local Somerset cafe isn't something that happens everyday. Apparently he lives here now, as in 'very, very near' and has done for a while. I know this after repeatedly hearing "oh yeah, I know, everyone knows" half a dozen times, which completely pissed on my "oh my god you will NEVER believe who I just saw!" fire. I'm not impressed that I was the last to know of this news, I would have traded the 'lamb shanking' incident for Nicholas Cage any day of the week if someone had bothered to give me the opportunity. Anyway, the drama of the village lives on. Eastwhaters? Coronationwhere? Ppffft, who needs em.

Note to self; write down your passwords woman!

It just took me 40 minutes to sign in!

So hi, hmm, quick update is probably the way to go, now lets see;

The stomach bug stayed for a while and all that bending over the toilet bowl action (you're welcome), resulted in a back and leg spasm that lasted for, ooh 5 days, before I gave in and had the doctor give me some injections, which worked, but then knocked me out for a good few more days. That was about a week ago and I am finally feeling human again.

The only other news I have is of the village gossip variety, which, let me tell you, has sent the masses reeling out of control for a while now, because lets face it, this ain't no Hollywood I'm living in.

Firstly, the butcher caught his butchery sidekick lamb shanking his misses in the stock room, which resulted in an overnight separated butcher and a jobless sidekick. But it doesn't end there, oh no, the sidekick them went on to get engaged to his step sister the following week, who may or may not know of the lamb shanking incident. Updates as news comes in. Inbreeding ya'll, it's what the yokels do best.

Secondly, a friend and neighbour of my parents was arrested for child abuse. Mr X as he shall be known, is a church going, charity working pillar of the community no less. After admitting to abusing a 'troubled' boy that he 'mentored' for 6 years, the police are looking back on his past jobs, those being, Manager of a boys children home for 14 years, scout leader and a Senior Mentor for challenged boys for 16 years. According to one victim, who also happens to be a friend, the authorities have tracked down a number of adult boys who had/are being violated. The saddest case being of a young man who told his parents what was happening to him during his 5 hours of mentoring each week, only to be told to 'stop lying'.

The disdain I feel for this man has no limits, especially when I see him out and about in the village, or in his garden and he waves and says hi as if everything is hunky dory, because until all the evidence is collected, he is a free man, EVEN THOUGH, he has admitted at least 2 ongoing cases of abuse in a statement. So yeah, controlling my hands on the steering wheel when he is stood oh so close to my front bumper is a huge challenge right now. This is the first case I can think of where sneezing whilst driving could be deemed as a good thing.

So, obviously, in this tiny sleepy place, these happenings are akin to the second coming of Christ and if I had slice of bread for every time I hear a hushed "did you hear about...", I could construct a 'Leaning Tower of BLT' and maybe we could use the tourists money to replace the modified sign on the men's public loos, that currently sports a gigantic penis smoking a spliff in purple marker pen, because how disconcerting would it be for a male who is desperate for a pee to think he does not qualify to relieve himself, because "aww shit, but I don't HAVE a purple penis that smokes weed!". Unfortunate, unfortunate indeed and probably a main factor in the development of the male UTI.

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Life's Rich Tapestry

I lay my hand on the bible and swear that all this stuff really has happened in one tiny town

My brain is clearly still unclear

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