Criminal Confession
Today I committed a terrible crime and I don't know if I can live with myself.
Maybe I should drive down the local police station and hand myself in, before I am outted on the 10 o'clock news.
I'm a bunny trapped in headlights and am inevitably going to be squished. By a ten ton lorry. Driving pitifully slowly, because that, of course, would be fair more painful and agonising.
I need to confess myself before I am driven to a salivating, eye-rolling, nutcase and this is the place to do it, where my anonymity is of the highest order.
I left a coffeehouse without paying.
I know, I know, please don't look at me like that, can't you see how I'm suffering already without those disapproving eyes you're giving me.......it was a mistake....an honest, innocent mistake, I didn't realise until I got home.
I know the decent thing to do is go back to the coffee house and pay, but it's too far away and I don't know if I could find it again. The only other person who knows its exact location is a friend and that friend has put years of trust into me.
I can not possibly confess to her that whilst she was having a wee and I was supposed to be paying, that I in fact DID NOT pay and when she came out of the toilet and saw me picking hairs off my scarf, she automatically presumed I had already paid, when in fact I had been engrossed with hair picking the whole time.
But..(and isn't there always one of those)....we did only have 2 coffees, which can't have amounted to more than the grand total of about £2, which is only half the amount I put into the Tsunami Fund box in the Co-op. So that makes it ok, right?
I mean the coffeehouse was all posh and stuff, meaning the owner was doing pretty well. The toilet paper wasn't that non-absorbent slippery kind, you know, the cheap crap we had to endure at school. Oh no, it was And@rx soft and the basin had antibacterial lemon liquid soap. There was pot pourri next to the basin and framed Monet prints on the walls. Does that sound like the toilet of a struggling, about to go into liquidation coffee establishment to you? No, exactly.
Besides, if he had been on his toes he would have followed me out of the door slandering my theifness to all and sundry wouldn't he? But he didn't. Because he has, in fact, got too much money for his own good and couldn't be arsed.....probably.
However I try to justify it, I still feel like crap, I'm sure god will make me pay in some form or another. I can only hope the policemen on duty at the cells tonight like a good home made flapjack, for I may have to resort to bribery of the dirtiest kind.
On another note, I bet I wasn't the only woman on the earth, who pee'd her pants today, on hearing this guy is now without wife...........
"I say Brad, you don't hang around. Tar very much luv" 
