Confusion
I am an utter bitch lately. This may have to do with a lot of things, shit that happens in life, shit that is mostly separated by a couple of months of normality, but in this instance hasn't been, which is totally irrelevant, because we still come back to the fact that I am currently a bitch. I use the word currently, because generally I am not, well, rarely to people's faces anyway.
I don't like myself at the moment, not to say I 'like' myself at any time particularly, but not liking myself enough right now to desperately want to stop. How do I stop? Why did it start? Why is it different this time? I have no idea.
The only clear and stable pieces of this puzzle are the reasons , which actually don't appear to be that clear at all when I think about them, because they don't belong to me, they belong to others, others that see me as someone without a job, a complicated relationship, or dependent children. Someone with a expanse of wasted space that can conveniently be filled with their baggage, somewhere where they have been invited too repetitively off load until they have refueled, not realising that there was an off loader before them, before them and before them and how could they realise? I don't expect them too.
I'm trying to do my job sincerely, to lighten their days and make peaceful their nights, but I feel as if I'm failing, becoming frightened of being replaced and here lies the contradiction inside me. It's no ones fault but my own, sometimes I'm so fucking needy, other people can see that, it's just that I don't speak it enough.
All I need in life are my vices, of which are becoming ever more frequent.
