Ah shit
Warning: This entry contains a lot of talk about poo. Not my poo, but poo none the less. You have been warned, so don't come gagging to me.
There is something very wrong about a stranger having a poo in your bathroom. A wee is acceptable, but poo'ing in some poor unexpected bugga's bowl is wrong, not right, very wrong.
First thing this morning a bloke came to service my boiler, (it's been years since my boiler was serviced, heh har har he.... ahem). He was polite, intelligent, chatty and pretty dam fine to look at, so much so infact, that I couldn't look him in the eye and felt myself start to blush when I forced myself. (I am pathetically shy when it comes to men, honestly, it's just embarrassing).
On his way out, he asked to use the bathroom, I was a little surprised because my flat isn't very big and I sit pretty much opposite the door. Most people wouldn't feel comfortable relieving themselves whilst a total stranger is practically sat on their lap, but you know, that's fine, no problem. When he hadn't reappeared after five minutes, the realization began to dawn on me that, oh my god, is he having a shit in my flat?! 7 minutes.... 9 minutes........... *flush*........... 11 minutes...... 14 minutes. Oh my god, he's died, all that straining gave him a heart attack, or maybe he passed a really huge tape worm and is trying to stuff it into his back pocket!
Eventually, I heard him washing his hands and started to panic about how I was going to handle the embarrassment of, 'I know you just dropped the kids off at the pool and you know that I know you just dropped the kids off at the pool and how are we going to get past that awkward moment'. So, like a pro, I started to cough, a lot, so that by the time he had made it to the door to leave, the awkward void had been filled. Bingo.
And then the curiosity kicked in. I want to go and look. I need to check. I should check, just incase he stole my antibacterial hand wash or something. So I did and I was outraged. I will spare you the details, but lets just say that air freshener, half a bottle of bleach and multiple flushes were involved and I have honestly not eaten a thing all day, I just can't, infact you should see me trying to control the throat reflexes right now, it ain't pretty.
So you see service men of the world, next time you get the urge, lie. Tell the customer you have to pop home to get a part, or that you have to come back later. Go and find a public toilet, a bush, anything, cos as much as you may think so, it's just not nice to leave a present in a stranger's bowl. Nasty.
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Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I love you J! I LOVE YOU!!!
