The one where I pour my heart out, feel better for it, but may regret it in the morning.
So I am better, but mum is ill, which means I'm staying at the parents place to look after Dad. I probably won't be back before Christmas and if my Dad catches whatever my mum has (which seems like a cold, but oh my god you would think it was the plague) and is ill for Christmas day, I swear to god I'll become the most evil and bitter woman for the rest of my life, either that or I'll be put away forever for murdering my mother, the way she is acting right now you would think she was the one with terminal cancer.
I started some therapy last week, it's no secret that during my late teens and through part of my twenties I had problems regarding food. Two lots of hospitalisation, one of 3 months and the other of 6, followed by a 2 year stay at a specialist unit. I've been free from all that for 10 years now, well I was free, until this summer, when some old habits started to surface and things got somewhat out of control as weeks past, so I made arrangements straight away to sort something out before it became too much of a problem.
It's pathetic of me to admit that throughout my life, none and I mean NOT ONE of my friends have liked my mum. Her sister or mother won't come to stay because they can't cope with her behaviour and and there is not one member of the family that has not at some point or the other, spoken to me about her instability and attention seeking ways. Hell, every single counsellor I've had has put my eating problems down to our relationship and the hold she has over me and although not so much now, still has over me. I finally admitted last week, that the fact that Dad is terminal is the easy part to all of this, who has and continues to be the most upsetting, stressful and difficult person to cope with over the last 6 months is Mum.
If you are an Eastenders watcher, imagine Peggy Mitchell and Pauline Fowler rolled into one and multiplied by ten. Controlling, manipulative, master of the guilt treatment, attention seeking, interfering and never wrong. I know most teenage girls would use all these words to describe their mothers in their teenage angst, but believe me, this is far from that level, this is at the level of OCD and severely screwed up tendencies. Certain people have tried to persuade her to have treatment in the past but to no avail, because, there is nothing wrong with me, if only x, y and z would change their behaviour I wouldn't need to act this way.
There, I got it all out, I said it and you know what, I know I'm not imagining it, because I hear it from friends all the time, but I guess, hearing it from a trained therapist for the first time in ten years, has sparked a new determination to work on not letting it happen anymore. To not accept everything that's slung my way because if I speak my mind I am met with tears and tantrums and an almighty spiel of 'woe is me' that immediately sends me on a, "oh my god I'm such a bitch" guilt trip, when it's not my behaviour that should be questioned.
All this said, I love my mum, of course I do, we can at times be best friends, but I just don't like this part of her. Also, now is not the right time for change or stand offs, things will have to be put on hold, but you know, that's damn hard when I watch my father being treated badly and being manipulated into feeling like all of her stress and tears are his fault for being ill and he should feel continuously guilty and sorry for what he's doing to her. But the show downs will wait, for obvious reasons and I will support her and comfort her when Dad isn't here anymore, I will carry on being her rock, but only to the extent that is needed and not to the level where manipulation and attention seeking starts to play a part, because if I don't start to put my foot down, I'll never get from under this hold she has over me and the problems it creates in my own mind, plus, I seem to be the only one of our family/friends that still accepts her behaviour lying down and I am sick of those people forever telling me to harden up and stop accepting it. I don't want to be the only one anymore.
Now I have that off my chest, I hope you all have a good Christmas, I intend to make it the best one yet and am really looking forward to having the family all together for Christmas Day for the first time in years. Dad's going to get the best Christmas he has ever had and I don't mind admitting, that for the first time in ages, I'm excited!!
See you in the New Year, when I intend to make my resolution updating everyday from Monday to Friday. Yet another one to be spectacularly broken no doubt, ah well, isn't that the fun of resolutions? Seriously, thanks for sticking around through the shit, I really appreciate it more than you know. I hope the next year brings you all you dreamed of, except Wentworth Miller, cos he's all mine.
Jilly
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