I never thought
I never thought I would be constantly cleaning up after my father, (he has gut/intestinal Carcinoid, I don't think I need to elaborate), whilst my mother is stifling her sobs in the bathroom because shes just about given as much as she can give.
I never thought I would hold a woman who never cries, everyday for two weeks whilst she sobs her heart out.
I never thought I would have to 'have a chat' with my father about the way he is treating my mother right now, about how I know it's the cancer and the drugs and I understand he is angry and has every right to be, but can he please try to not shout at her, especially whilst using such hurtful words.
I never thought I would feel the guilt that I feel when I leave their house at the end of the day to return to mine.
I never thought I would feel the dread that I feel when I get in the car each morning to drive to theirs.
I never thought that even though I see my father everyday, his sunken yellow face still shocks me every time.
I never thought my father would want to close himself away from his family to obsessively watch TV in the bedroom.
I never thought my mother would be too terrified to speak to her husband for fear of his response.
I never thought I would feel like I am solely propping my mother up and if I were to walk away she would shatter into 1000 pieces.
I never thought I would have such an intense feeling of wanting to make everything alright and feel like a failure because I can't.
I never thought I would go behind my parents back and contact a professional because I am so worried about their relationship/mental health only to be met by the usual NHS brick wall.
I never thought I would be able to cope with the things that are going on right now.
I never gave myself credit.
