Scissor Sisters - Comfortably Numb
Today is the 6th year anniversary of the day my life was turned upside down. The day I went from career woman to wheelchair woman, and as I've said before, I wouldn't change a thing.
A couple of years ago, I asked my specialist if he could operate and completely severe my spinal cord, I know it sounds drastic and probably somewhat controversial, but I have paralyzed friends in wheelchair's that can work, go on full day trips because they have no or limited pain problems. I'm by no means implying that, 'ner ner I suffer more than they do, give me sympathy because I'm so hard done by', but, I do believe that it would be the better option for me and am not ashamed to admit that I have always wished the surgeon sneezed, slipped and lost control of the scalpel.
It isn't the partial paralysis that affects my life, there are ways to get around that, it's the nerve pain hypersensitivity. You poke my leg and it feels like a full on punch, sitting in a chair without a spenco cushion, feels like I am sat on a bed of nails. Also, the cocktail of drugs, primarily the morphine, it's a pain in the arse (ha ha! pardon the pun!), it makes me constantly tired, affects my memory and concentration and I am very aware of my lack of ability to complete a fecking crossword these days, not that I was ever fantastic at them anyway, but at least it didn't take me 2 days to think of the word that is on the tip of my tongue.
Just today, a friend called, and started yapping on about the next saga in her sisters divorce. I stopped her mid flow to announce that I knew nothing about the divorce in the first place and could she start at the beginning please. After a brief silence she said, "I phoned you on Sunday night and told you all about it". I still can't remember, however hard I rack my brain. This happens more frequently than is normal, even if I were an 80 year old and I find it slightly embarrassing, it makes me appear dense, and that is something I am uncomfortable with, as I clearly know I'm not.
Of course the specialist said no to my spinal cord snipping request. He could see where I was coming from, but morally, it's obviously more than his career is worth. Deep down, I knew it was a impossibility, but I guess I needed to hear than from the horses mouth.
Two weeks ago I noticed I had lost feeling in some of my toes and the outside edge of my foot. I guess I should be happy, it's what I've been asking for, and although part of me is pleased, the other part is disappointed and just a tiny bit scared.
Maybe the grass is greener on the other side and maybe it's not? I can't figure out if I want to find out.
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I am on taxi duties again, the mothership is away this week. That women really does have more holidays than Posh Spice.
Also, remember when I had some tests done and my liver counts were out of whack and I was supposed to return for more treatment in May this year? Um, yeah, I kinda accidently on purpose forgot about that. Shame the bloody doctor didn't. I hate it when they are efficient.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
