Thank you
This thank you is long overdue, but it is no less heartfelt than it was a month ago.
So many people helped me through the last couple of years, you know who you are, yes you, if you ever left a comment, sent an email, a card or a phone call then I'm talking about you. YOU made a difference and I am so grateful.
Things are OK, better than OK really. That is, if I don't talk/think/hear about him. I'm avoiding situations at the moment, excusing myself from conversations, changing the subject, bluntly telling people that I don't want to 'go there', avoiding coming to this blog! and that's OK, that's really OK, I'm fine with that.
Yes, some people tell me it's denial, some people think I should be wailing whilst holding a picture of him, and that's really sad for them, because they worry themselves for the day when it will, in their minds, knock me off my feet and I'll fall into a vat of despair. What a waste of energy for them, it makes me sad.
This being said, I am fully aware that this current feeling of .... whatever it is .... may not stick around, or that the punching pain that I last felt the day after he died may come back, or that one day I really will believe he's gone and I'm OK with that too, but I'm not preempting it and I'm not analysing it. If I'm not ready to feel anything much yet, that's just the way I need to be and if I never go through a so called 'process' then I obviously wasn't supposed too.
I am slowly working on getting a life back, making time for the thing I love. I never realised just how consuming the last 2 years have been. I'm ready to take on challenges, take risks, be carefree and spend time with friends that I value. I haven't felt this optimistic for a long, long time.
I've just had my hair done, spent some time in the woods with the sun on my face, followed by coffee with friends. Today has been fun, really really fun.
