How Fred, How?!
Tomorrow morning I have to be up at some ungodly hour to drive to Salisbury for filming. Yes that's right folks, I am going to be on TV and will be expecting my own dressing room.
If this is denied me, I shall pull THE BEST Mariah Carey diva type strop imaginable. I have been practicing for days and have perfected it beautifully, apart from the silvery hot pants, which I am apparently not allowed to wear due to; 'light reflections from an arse the size of King Kong's rebounding on the lens hence burning out the retinas of the cameraman' technicalities or something. Bah, whatever.
So, if you happen to be watching Meridian News tomorrow night, try to avoid the clip entitled Mother of the Year Award, which will show Fred Dinage jumping out on a poor unexpecting lady, who thought she was just popping round her daughters for coffee, but in reality will be met with her offspring and their families, plus one thought of offspring who also happens to be the godmother of her granddaughters, doing their best to make her feel as mortified as possible for the sheer hell of it and also because their humour is evil.
I particularly urge you to look away if you are eating, as 'someone' will have a wacking great enormous zit on their chin that came up nice and ripe the day before, she will probably be the one desperately trying to hide at the back.
She will also be the one trying to contain herself from shouting...
*"HOW!!..... did you end up being a lowly regional presenter Fred?"
Now out of my way you mere stagehands.
* Sadly, this will only make sense to you if you are over 25 and British, such a loss for the rest of the world.
