Girl Power
I really didn't want to have to do this, but the urge is just too strong to resist. Having had MTV on in the background all day and considering how often music videos are repeated on there, I now believe I fully qualify to give an opinion on The Spice Girls new video for their debut (hmmm, debut? comeback? start of a train wreck?) single, Headline (followed by something in brackets about friendship that's as false as Victoria's tits).
So here we go, with photos and everything, move over Jonathon Ross.
I think it important to mention that there is an awful lot of air brushing going on in this video, also lots of soft light to decrease wrinkle definition,(bet that was Geri's idea), which I am not averse too, but they have taken the effects to a level that borders on comical, it just screams "look how we have grown into perfect rich goddesses that you will idolize and adore" to me, which is a huge shame and not what The Spice Girls were all about. I think the word desperate sums things up and maybe a sprinkle of Diva.
So, lets take at look at the girls individually shall we.
Geri
Why are you in a bra? One would think you were purposely displaying how many ribs you have, or maybe, as has been speculated, to prove that you have the best body of the five by far, even if you do say so yourself. Personally I think you forgot your Hello Kitty T Shirt and there was nothing in wardrobe that fit, they don't tend to stock 6 year old attire. Eat a pie, drink a beer and watch series 1 of Ugly Betty back to back and then report back to me with the revelation that it's whats inside that counts and not trying to emulate Madonna.
Emma 
Poor Emma. They didn't give you much time to recover after giving birth to little Beau, did they. They didn't stop to think about breast leakage or bladder weakness before putting you publicly in front of the universe, hmmm? Is the stomach still a little podgy? Is that what it is? So they thought they could hide you from the chest down behind a table for the entire video? That's not 'Girl Power' now is it sweetie. You go and tell them it's not fair and remember to flutter those eye lashes, because it doesn't matter how much goth eye liner you wear, you'll always be innocent baby.
Mel C
I like you Mel C, I admired the way you came out of your shell when you left the first time around. I like the fact that you speak your mind and seem so much happier and more comfortable in your own skin. You admitted that you were bullied during those miserable years and vowed never to return to The Spice Girls, so why did you let them bulldoze you into doing this? Why did you feel the guilt of being the only one responsible for not allowing the other girl's dreams? It wasn't your responsibility, you didn't have to slip back into a situation that you really don't want to be in. I suspect you were pressurised constantly for a long time and just couldn't fight your conscience any longer. I worry for you, I hope you haven't got yourself into a situation that triggers off the old feelings and depression. Just remember, you're the only one that can actually sing, you're the only one with any talent, you're the only one that can do a backflip, (we don't need to see you prove it thanks), you should be the boss. Oh, and stop trying to be seductive and sexy, it isn't you, I think the picture above proves it just makes you look like a cat licking it's paw. Meow.
Mel B
Respect for actually covering up and even more respect for not yelling in my face the whole time. I was going to comment negatively about those bazookas that wanna come out to play, but on reflection, I guess there's nothing wrong with the wench look if you can pull it off, especially if they are real, unlike someone else I could mention. It's nice to see you calmer and not breaking your neck to grab the lime light from the others, maturity suits you, not to mention some elegance. I think they should rename you Dignity Spice, that's something I never anticipated saying. Food for thought Mel, don't fall in love with one of the dancers, fingers burnt and all that.
Victoria
I left you till last because that's were you should be, brought down a paragraph or two. You really aren't in reality are you, this isn't The Matrix you know. Although it does appear you made a conscious effort not to pout constantly, which must have been terribly draining to do, considering you had to lip sync at the same time and thinking about two things at once is indeed rocket science. I know you must have spent many a sleepless night worrying about your stretch marks, its ok, you don't have to begin to deny they exist, I've seen the photos in Heat magazine, not that I'm making fun of course, hell, you've had three kids and stretching such an itzy bitzy tummy that many times defies medical science. I'm surprised you ever got pregnant at all, seen as though you don't eat and probably haven't had a period in years, oh but that's right, I remember you once saying you eat a tin of lycees a day, you greedy moo you.
But really Victoria, back to the stretch marks, you could of course have worn actual material to cover them up, instead of borrowing one of David's 24 inch shoe laces to wrap around yourself multiple times, you're so darn silly and just an ordinary down to earth girl, or so you keep reminding us, but it's just a shame you look like a plastic blow up doll. Ah well, I guess you couldn't avoid going a step further than the rest, seen as though the whole of America loves you and all. Yes, my tongue is in my cheek, where else would it be? Up Tom or Katie's arse?
"Jesus Victoria, I'm going to sue you for the lacerations your razor sharp knee bones have left in the back of my head".
